Bar Exam

It was a familiar feeling... helplessness... A lump rose in my throat and tears stung my eyes as I drove away from the Bar Exam testing center. It was a threshold day. One of those days that puts a hash mark on the time line of life... like the first day of kindergarten or first grade... like the day you drive away from their first college dorm...

We had a quick hug... I patted his leg and whispered "Lord bless you". I saw only the briefest flicker of apprehension in his eyes as our eyes met... "Thanks." Then he shouldered his backpack and shut the car door. He held his head high and there was courage in his steps... a brief smile and a wave as he turned to greet a friend. The memory of a similar moment 20 years ago washed over me and I saw the little boy I had dropped off at High Pointe for First Grade. Then, as now, I was so proud of him...his courage in the face of the unknown... his determined movements toward something difficult, something new. I had to suppress my instinct to run before him and take all the pain and the obstacles out of the course ahead. I had to let him go... I want to let him go... to experience all that life has for him so he can continue to grow.

Every time I "let go" of one of my kids, the fraternal twins of confidence and doubt go to war within me. On the one hand, confidence and faith that he will succeed... that she will be okay... that all they have learned will rise to the surface to help guide... that God is much more capable to protect and love than I am! Then, doubt will set in... What if things don't go as planned? What if I didn't teach them something critical to this situation? What if their choices cause them harm? What if something bad happens? What if...??? I struggle to sort through these conflicting thoughts. My hands don't seem strong enough to support my weight as I hang on to the ledge above me while the rope tied to my waist is trying to pull me down. I am acutely aware that if I don't cut the downhill rope of doubt, I too, will tumble. Thank God I'm not alone! A quick slice of the rope and fear is gone... faith has pulled me to a new ledge.

I used to think doubt was bad. I don't know that I can say doubt is good, but it's possible that without doubt, faith would not gain strength. A doubt that is too heavy can cause a tumble... that's for sure! I suppose a few of us have skinned our knees or broken a few bones in tumbles like this. Would it be fair to say that even in the midst of great faith, there will always be doubt? In the words of a song we (randomly) listened to yesterday, "the shadow proves the light"... interesting... Perhaps in our world, faith and doubt must co-exist. If I had two separate containers... one for faith and one for doubt... it's true that my faith would never be contaminated by doubt, but the inverse would also be true... my doubt would never be touched by faith and it would destroy me.

I like this quote:

"Faith is the refusal to panic. Do you like that sort of definition of faith? Does that seem to be too earthly and not sufficiently spiritual? It is the very essence of faith. Faith is a refusal to panic, come what may. Browning, I think had that idea when he defined faith like this: 'With me, faith means perpetual unbelief kept quiet, like the snake 'neath Michael's foot.' Faith is unbelief kept quiet, kept down."
-- David Martyn Lloyd-Jones (Spiritual Depression: It's Causes and Cures)