Bittersweet

I like things to be compartmentalized... organized... contained... I buy containers for things and actually USE them. I like interesting boxes, cool pitchers and glasses, baskets, bags, wooden trays, lazy susans, even ziploc baggies! My motto: A place for everything and everything in it's place! :-) When I'm stressed, I organize things... sometimes I even try to organize people! This penchant for organizing things leaks over into other areas of my life and, at certain times, can cause great anxiety. Like the last few days... (weeks? years??)... I want to have all the "good stuff" of life in one container, and keep all the "bad stuff" in another container. I want to savor the goodness separately from having to deal with the bad... I don't want the goodness to be contaminated by what I perceive as "bad." ("Good" and "Bad" in this sense are not moral statements... simply statements of perception.) Although you have some perfect moments in life, most of life is rarely so contained as to eliminate any taint of bad from the beauty of the good... and, fortunately, the inverse is also true... Rarely do you have all bad without some goodness seeping in. So, I often find myself conflicted, trying to hold "good" and "bad" in a healthy tension...

We will celebrate our 30th Wedding Anniversary in two weeks. I'm really excited about that... I'm amazed and thrilled with the shear accomplishment... and I'm anticipating a wonderful few days to enjoy each other at a lovely resort on the beach. (We DO still enjoy each other!!) Oh, and... we have gotten new wedding rings to mark the occasion. Mine is absolutely stunning and a tribute to my husband, whose love for me is much deeper than I can totally absorb.

So, the week that we were to pick up our rings, a "monster" raised its head. Maybe you have monsters in your relationships and you know what I'm talking about... it's the discussion that never seems to get resolved, it's the wall that you can never seem to get past, it's the darkness that lurks beneath the sunny surface. I hate this particular monster because it's ugly, it seems to have so many tentacles, and it's injured both of us on occasion! In any case, as we were battling the monster, the day came to pick up our beautiful rings symbolizing all that is wonderful in our relationship. I wondered if we should finish the battle, watch the monster slip below the surface (again) and wait for the sun to come out before picking up the rings, but we opted to just go get them while the storm raged. My compartments crashed into each other in that moment and I was faced with the tension of embracing the moment of beauty and symbolism while monster tentacles slashed at my soul. I can say I survived, but I'm not sure I was fully present...

So... round two... last week was pitted with anxiety over a possible stress fracture and the anticipation that I might not be able to run the half marathon on Sunday. I ran a couple of times without much incident and a tiny ray of hope sliced through the cloud of anxiety... a few other pieces of hope bounced in as people said they would pray for me. Sunday morning I decided to go ahead and try to run with no expectations. It was perfect running weather... and, although my muscles were hurting, I pushed through... What a surprise to finish with a personal record of 1:57:46!! The ragtag pieces of hope all came together to make something beautiful. Much easier to survive and be fully present when the good pours into the bad, right?

So, while the monster is not heaving the boat around, he's still visible.... While the race is done and the PR accomplished, the question of injury still lurks in the pain... Today, I hold these in tension and know that this is life... that life is lived in the shadow and the light... that the hand that holds me is not letting go... that the path we take is THROUGH not around... that HOPE is only good in the middle... that the best chocolate is "bittersweet"...